Radical Acceptance

Trance of Unworthiness

The trance of unworthiness is a persistent belief that something is fundamentally wrong with oneself. This toxic mindset traps people in a cycle of self-doubt, insecurity, and feelings of inadequacy. Individuals caught in this trance are unable to see their true worth and potential, constantly striving to prove their value to themselves and others.

This trance manifests in various ways. Some may overtly feel ashamed and deficient, blaming themselves for life's challenges. Others may compensate by seeking constant validation and a sense of superiority over others. Regardless of the outward expression, the underlying belief is the same - that one is inherently flawed and undeserving of love and belonging.

The trance of unworthiness can intensify during difficult life experiences, leading people to assume their problems are a reflection of their personal shortcomings. Even witnessing the struggles of loved ones can trigger feelings of inadequacy. This mindset traps individuals in a state of constant self-monitoring and striving, unable to simply be present and accept themselves.

Overcoming the trance of unworthiness requires a shift in perspective. It involves cultivating self-compassion, recognizing one's inherent worth, and learning to embrace the full spectrum of one's humanity - both strengths and weaknesses. This journey of self-acceptance is essential for breaking free from the prison of unworthiness and reclaiming the joy and freedom of simply being.

Here are examples from the context that support the key insight on the "trance of unworthiness":

• The author's recurring dream of struggling futilely to get somewhere, feeling heavy and exhausted, trapped in a dilemma - this captures the essence of the trance of unworthiness.

• The story of the author's psychotherapy client whose 13-year-old son has attention deficit disorder. Despite her loving efforts, the client lives in anguish, feeling she is failing her son and should be doing more - an example of taking others' suffering as proof of one's own inadequacy.

• The example of the author's friend who struggles with pride and the need to feel superior to others. During dry periods when she doesn't feel productive or admired, she slips into feeling unworthy - illustrating the flip side of the trance.

• The meditation student who felt she was "steamrolling through her days, driven by the feeling that she needed to do more" - an example of the relentless striving driven by a sense of unworthiness.

• The story of Marilyn, whose dying mother's final words about thinking something was wrong with her for her whole life, awakened Marilyn to the tragedy of living in the trance of unworthiness.

Key terms:

• Trance of unworthiness: The persistent feeling of personal deficiency that clouds one's true self-understanding.
• Radical Acceptance: The practice of recognizing and embracing one's present experience with compassion, as an antidote to the suffering of the trance of unworthiness.

Radical Acceptance

Radical Acceptance is the transformative practice of wholeheartedly embracing life as it is, without judgment or resistance. By letting go of the relentless pursuit of perfection and the belief that something is inherently wrong with us, we free ourselves from the trance of unworthiness that causes so much suffering.

When we practice Radical Acceptance, we stop fighting against our thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Instead, we meet them with a clear, kind attention, recognizing that our deepest nature is one of boundless awareness and love. This shift in perspective allows us to move through life with greater authenticity, creativity, and compassion - for ourselves and others.

Far from resignation, Radical Acceptance is the gateway to genuine, lasting change. By fully acknowledging our capacities and limitations, we open ourselves to new possibilities and the freedom to live more fully. It is a radical act of self-love that dissolves the barriers we've erected between ourselves and the richness of the present moment.

Here are key examples from the context that support the insight on Radical Acceptance:

• The story of Harry, who was struggling with alcoholism. When his family confronted him with "loving and nonjudgmental" acceptance, rather than criticism, it allowed Harry to listen and ultimately get the help he needed. The author notes this "courageous love - the acceptance and truth telling - probably saved his life."

• The author's meditation student Karen, who was going through a difficult divorce. The author suggested she join a "spiritual friends" (kalyanna mitta) group, where the environment of "togetherness" and "vulnerability, insight and heart" enabled "deep healing" for Karen.

• The author's own experience of leaving her spiritual ashram community. By practicing Radical Acceptance of her feelings and fears, she was able to "free" herself and trust her life, rather than being trapped in a "self-made prison."

• The story of Marilyn, whose dying mother's final words - "all my life I thought something was wrong with me" - awakened Marilyn to the possibility of holding herself "with more acceptance and kindness" rather than the "trance of unworthiness."

The key concept of Radical Acceptance is described as the "willingness to experience ourselves and our life as it is" without judgment or resistance. This allows individuals to move beyond the "trance of unworthiness" and discover their "deepest nature" of "pure awareness and love."

Sacred Pause

The Sacred Pause is a powerful practice that allows you to step out of the constant busyness and striving of daily life. By deliberately pausing, even for a moment, you create space to reconnect with the present moment and gain clarity on your inner experience.

During a pause, you discontinue your current activity and become fully attentive to your thoughts, feelings, and sensations. This interrupts habitual patterns of reacting and opens you up to making wiser choices. Instead of automatically rushing to the next task or lashing out in anger, you can pause, take a deep breath, and respond with greater presence and compassion.

Integrating the sacred pause into your daily routine - whether it's before starting a new activity, during a conversation, or in the midst of strong emotions - can be transformative. It helps you break free from the trance of constant doing and reconnect with the genuine, whole truth of who you are. Through this practice, you cultivate the capacity for Radical Acceptance - meeting your experience, even the difficult parts, with openness and care.

Here are some examples from the context that illustrate the key insight about the importance of the "Sacred Pause":

• The passage describes how pausing can help us "reconnect with the present moment" and "reenter the mystery and vitality only found here and now", especially when we are caught up in "striving and obsessing and leaning into the future."

• It suggests experimenting with pausing before daily activities like "brushing your teeth, making a phone call, getting out of the car, taking a sip of tea, turning on your computer." This allows you to "relax and bring awareness to what is happening within you" before continuing the activity.

• The story of Jacob, who had Alzheimer's disease, illustrates how pausing can help one maintain a sense of presence and acceptance even in the face of significant cognitive decline. Despite his deteriorating faculties, Jacob felt that "it doesn't feel like anything is wrong" and that his experience "feels like real life."

• The passage describes how Laura used the "sacred pause" to interrupt her habitual patterns of reacting with her husband Phil. This allowed them to have a more open and vulnerable conversation, leading to a renewal of their relationship.

• The text explains that pausing can be especially difficult "when we are about to lash out in verbal outrage" or when we are "overwhelmed by sorrow or filled with desire." Yet it is in these moments that pausing is most important, as it allows us to "face the rawness of our rage or grief or desire" rather than running away.

The key point is that the "sacred pause" enables us to step out of our automatic reactions and connect more deeply with our present experience, which can lead to greater self-understanding, acceptance, and wisdom in our relationships and daily lives.

Embodiment of Mindfulness

Embodying Mindfulness: The Path to Clarity and Peace

Cultivating deep awareness of the body is a powerful gateway to mindfulness. By tuning into the ever-changing sensations within, we can reduce our reactivity and cultivate clarity and inner peace.

When we bring a soft, open attention to the body, we become grounded in the present moment. We notice the ebb and flow of physical experiences - the tightness, the tingling, the warmth - without getting caught up in mental commentary or emotional turmoil. This embodied presence allows us to respond skillfully, rather than react unconsciously, to the circumstances of our lives.

Practicing this bodily awareness is not about controlling or manipulating experience, but about allowing it to unfold naturally. By simply being with sensations as they arise and dissolve, we discover the freedom that comes from letting go of resistance. This radical acceptance of our immediate experience is the foundation for greater self-understanding and compassion.

Here are examples from the context that support the key insight about the importance of embodied mindfulness:

• The passage describes how when engaged in conversation, we can "pause for a moment, relax our body and mind and mindfully notice what we are experiencing." This allows us to become "acutely aware of our patterns of reaction."

• It explains that by "pausing and paying attention we become acutely aware of our patterns of reaction" in daily interactions. This embodied awareness gives us more options in how we respond.

• The passage discusses how when Anne felt anxious at the choir retreat, she could "pause long enough to relax a bit and recognize any feelings or stories that might be coming up." This allowed her to be more present rather than caught up in her fear.

• The instructions on the Dzogchen practice emphasize "looking into awareness" and "resting in nondoing, in undistracted awareness." This involves directly connecting with the sensations and energy of the present moment.

• The guided meditation on Radical Acceptance of pain instructs the reader to "bring a receptive attention directly to the unpleasant sensations" and "investigate with a nonreactive, soft attention." This embodied awareness allows the pain to be met with openness rather than resistance.

The key point is that by cultivating a direct, embodied awareness of sensations, emotions, and thoughts as they arise, individuals can reduce reactivity and cultivate greater clarity, equanimity and presence in their lives and relationships.

Transforming Fear through Acceptance

Transforming Fear through Acceptance

Facing our fears head-on, rather than avoiding them, is the path to true freedom. When we resist and repress our fears, we become trapped in a trance of fear - a state of constriction, anxiety, and disconnection from our authentic selves. However, by embracing our fears with radical acceptance, we can dissolve this trance and awaken to a profound sense of awareness and belonging.

The key is to lean into our fears, to fully feel the sensations and emotions they evoke in our bodies and minds. This requires courage, but it also opens the door to tremendous personal growth. As we consciously experience our fears, we discover that they are not as overwhelming or unmanageable as we had believed. In fact, by facing them with an open and engaged presence, we can transform them into gateways to renewal and freedom.

This process of radical acceptance allows us to let go of the layers of resistance and trance that have kept us trapped. We learn to surrender into the boundless awareness that underlies our fears, finding a refuge that has room for both the joys and sorrows of life. In this state of presence, we can contain even the deepest fears, including the fear of death itself, and continue living with a profound sense of courage and compassion.

Here are examples from the context that support the key insight of transforming fear through acceptance:

• Barbara's story of overcoming her fear of dancing and reconnecting with her passion, feeling "her life is in front of her, and she's free to live it."

• The story of Eric, who faced a traumatic childhood memory during meditation and was able to open to the sensations of fear rather than avoid them, leading to a "life-changing experience."

• The author's own experience of practicing "saying yes" to everything during a meditation retreat, which helped relax the aversion and resistance to unpleasant experiences.

• The guidance to "lean into fear" by directly feeling the sensations and emotions of fear, rather than trying to avoid or resist them. This is described as the path to "freeing ourselves from the trance of fear."

• The concept of "Radical Acceptance" - the willingness to fully accept and embrace fear and other difficult emotions, which "carries us to the source of all freedom."

• The emphasis on naming and acknowledging suffering and pain, rather than denying it, as a way to reconnect with our hearts and cultivate self-compassion, as seen in the example of the author's client Carl.

The key terms and concepts illustrated here include Radical Acceptance, leaning into fear, and the transformative power of directly facing and accepting difficult emotions like fear, rather than avoiding or resisting them.

Compassion as a Response to Suffering

Cultivating compassion is a powerful way to respond to suffering. By intentionally reflecting on the pain and struggles of others, we can awaken a profound sense of empathy and connection. This practice helps us realize that we are all fundamentally the same - vulnerable human beings seeking to be free from suffering.

When we open our hearts to the universal experience of pain, our own suffering becomes less isolating. We recognize that insecurity, grief, and hurt are shared by millions of people. This realization can melt the barriers we erect between ourselves and others, fostering a deep sense of interconnectedness.

Practicing compassion involves actively "breathing in" the suffering of others and "breathing out" care and concern. As we do this, our awareness becomes suffused with compassion, and we begin to see ourselves as a "transformer of sorrows" - a conduit for alleviating the distress of all beings. This practice can help us move beyond self-centeredness and cultivate a boundless, all-embracing heart.

Examples from the Context:

• Kim's experience of feeling humiliated at work and then using the compassion meditation practice to expand her compassion from herself, to family and friends, to acquaintances, and finally to her coworker with whom she had felt irritated. This allowed her to recognize their shared vulnerability and feel an "intimate bond arising."

• The story of the minister who feared leaving her young daughter behind when traveling, and how reflecting on this shared human fear of loss and death can foster a sense of connection and belonging with others.

• The anecdote about Father Theophane seeking spiritual guidance, and the wise monk redirecting him to consider "What do they really need?" - highlighting how true spiritual awakening involves attending to the needs and suffering of others, not just one's own concerns.

Key Concepts:

• Compassion Meditation: A practice of intentionally reflecting on the suffering of oneself and others, and extending care and prayers for their relief. This expands one's capacity for empathy and connection.

• Interconnectedness: The realization that despite differences, all beings share a common vulnerability and experience of suffering. Recognizing this shared humanity fosters a sense of belonging and compassion.

• Shifting from Self-Centeredness: Moving away from being absorbed in one's own personal dramas and concerns, to paying close attention to the needs and experiences of others, which is essential for spiritual growth.

Quotes

Let's take a look at some key quotes from "Radical Acceptance" that resonated with readers.

Perhaps the biggest tragedy of our lives is that freedom is possible, yet we can pass our years trapped in the same old patterns...We may want to love other people without holding back, to feel authentic, to breathe in the beauty around us, to dance and sing. Yet each day we listen to inner voices that keep our life small.

Many people miss out on experiencing true freedom and living life to the fullest due to being stuck in their old ways of thinking and behaving. They may yearn to form deep connections with others, be their authentic selves, and appreciate the beauty around them, but their own self-doubt and fears hold them back. As a result, they live a restricted life, never fully realizing their potential.

Pain is not wrong. Reacting to pain as wrong initiates the trance of unworthiness. The moment we believe something is wrong, our world shrinks and we lose ourselves in the effort to combat the pain.

When we perceive pain as a problem that needs to be fixed, we enter a state of self-doubt and insecurity. This mindset narrows our perspective and leads us to focus on eliminating the pain rather than accepting it as a natural part of life. By doing so, we lose touch with our true selves and become trapped in a cycle of struggle and negativity.

We are uncomfortable because everything in our life keeps changing -- our inner moods, our bodies, our work, the people we love, the world we live in. We can't hold on to anything -- a beautiful sunset, a sweet taste, an intimate moment with a lover, our very existence as the body/mind we call self -- because all things come and go. Lacking any permanent satisfaction, we continuously need another injection of fuel, stimulation, reassurance from loved ones, medicine, exercise, and meditation. We are continually driven to become something more, to experience something else.

Human existence is characterized by constant change, making it impossible to hold onto anything, including our own identities. This impermanence leads to a sense of discontent, driving us to continually seek new experiences, validation, and reassurance. We are constantly striving to become more, to feel satisfied, but this pursuit is ultimately futile. As a result, we are left feeling restless and unsatisfied.

Chapter Notes

Prologue: “Something Is Wrong with Me”

Here are the key takeaways from the chapter:

• Feeling of Personal Deficiency: The author describes a deep-seated feeling of personal deficiency or unworthiness that they struggled with, where they felt that "something is fundamentally wrong" with them. This feeling of not being good enough was accompanied by anxiety, depression, and loneliness.

• Trance of Unworthiness: The author refers to this persistent feeling of personal deficiency as the "trance of unworthiness" - a state of being imprisoned in the belief that something is wrong with oneself, which prevents one from perceiving the truth of who they really are.

• Longing for Self-Compassion: The author longed to be kinder and more compassionate towards themselves, to befriend their inner experience, and to feel more intimacy and ease with others in their life.

• Buddhist Teachings and Practices: When the author discovered the Buddhist path, they found teachings and practices that enabled them to directly face their feelings of unworthiness and insecurity, and to relate to their life with more compassion. These teachings helped the author realize that they were not alone in their suffering.

• Radical Acceptance: The author introduces the concept of "Radical Acceptance" - the willingness to experience oneself and one's life as it is, without judgment or resistance. This is presented as the necessary antidote to the suffering caused by the trance of unworthiness.

• Compassion and Freedom: Through the practice of Radical Acceptance, the author suggests that we can free ourselves from the suffering of "something is wrong with me" and trust and express the fullness of who we are. This leads to a widening of our heart of compassion, allowing us to love this living world.

ONE: The Trance of Unworthiness

Here are the key takeaways from the chapter:

• The Trance of Unworthiness: This is a recurring dream-like state where one feels trapped in a futile struggle to get somewhere, unable to handle problems or reach desired goals. It is characterized by a belief that one is deficient, flawed, and unworthy.

• Feelings of Unworthiness and Alienation: Feeling unworthy goes hand-in-hand with feeling separate from others and life itself. This leads to various forms of suffering, such as addiction, depression, and difficulty trusting that one is truly loved.

• Overt vs. Covert Unworthiness: Unworthiness doesn't always manifest as overt feelings of shame and deficiency. It can also appear as a need to feel superior and special, which is the flip side of the trance.

• Spiritual Practice and Unworthiness: Even with dedicated spiritual practice, deep pockets of shame and insecurity can persist, leading to doubts about one's ability to be truly happy and free.

• Cultural Conditioning of Unworthiness: Western culture, with its emphasis on competition, individualism, and the myth of "original sin," is a breeding ground for the trance of unworthiness. This contrasts with the Buddhist view of inherent worthiness and Buddha nature.

• Strategies to Manage Inadequacy: Individuals develop various strategies to avoid the pain of feeling unworthy, such as self-improvement projects, playing it safe, withdrawing from experience, staying busy, self-criticism, and blaming others.

• Turning Others into the Enemy: Feelings of unworthiness can also lead to projecting one's fears and insecurities onto others, creating an "us versus them" mentality.

• The Roots of Trance: Separate Self: The trance of unworthiness arises from the fundamental human tendency to perceive ourselves as a separate, distinct self, rather than recognizing our interconnectedness with all of life.

• Accepting Imperfection: True freedom comes from being "without anxiety about imperfection," accepting our human existence and all of life as it is, rather than constantly pursuing being different or better.

• Cultivating Radical Acceptance: By learning to relate to our lives with a wise and compassionate heart, we can free ourselves from the prison of the trance of unworthiness and rediscover our inherent wholeness and belonging.

TWO: Awakening from the Trance–The Path of Radical Acceptance

• Radical Acceptance: The practice of accepting one's moment-to-moment experience with clear recognition and compassionate presence. It involves two interdependent "wings": clear seeing (mindfulness) and compassion.

• Mindfulness: The quality of awareness that recognizes exactly what is happening in one's moment-to-moment experience, without trying to control or judge it.

• Compassion: The capacity to relate to one's experience with tenderness and sympathy, embracing pain and desire with gentleness and care.

• Trance of Unworthiness: The habitual pattern of self-judgment, anxiety, and dissatisfaction that traps people in a cage of their own beliefs and fears, preventing them from living freely.

• Hitting Bottom: A turning point where one's suffering becomes so acute that it leads to a genuine acknowledgment of the problem and a willingness to change, as seen in the author's mother's journey with alcoholism.

• Radical Acceptance is not Resignation: It does not mean passively accepting harmful behavior or giving up on positive change. Rather, it enables genuine, lasting change by dissolving the resistance and self-judgment that sustain problematic patterns.

• Radical Acceptance is not Self-Indulgence: It involves being aware of the consequences of one's actions and aligning them with one's deepest intentions, not simply indulging in desires without regard for their effects.

• Radical Acceptance and No-Self: Accepting one's experience does not mean affirming a fixed, inherent self. It involves recognizing the impersonal, ever-changing nature of thoughts, feelings, and sensations.

• The Path of Radical Acceptance: A journey of discovering one's true nature as a boundless sea of wakefulness and love, by learning to embrace all of life's experiences with clarity and compassion.

THREE: The Sacred Pause–Resting Under the Bodhi Tree

• The Sacred Pause: The sacred pause is a temporary suspension of activity, a time of disengagement when we are no longer moving towards any goal. It allows us to become present and attentive to our inner experience, rather than being caught up in habitual behaviors and mental preoccupations.

• Pausing vs. Reacting: When faced with challenging situations, our instinctive response is often to frantically try to manage and control the experience. However, the sacred pause teaches us to let go of the controls and simply be present with what is happening, rather than reacting in our usual ways.

• Facing the Shadow: By pausing, we become available to the unfaced and unfelt parts of ourselves, our "shadow" - the aspects of our being that we have learned to exile or hide from. Facing these shadow parts with openness and compassion is a key step in the process of Radical Acceptance.

• The Buddha's Enlightenment: The story of the Buddha's enlightenment under the bodhi tree illustrates the power of the sacred pause. By resolving to remain still and present, the Buddha-to-be was able to face and transform the forces of delusion and suffering, ultimately realizing his true, enlightened nature.

• Pausing in Relationships: Practicing the sacred pause can help transform difficult dynamics in relationships. By interrupting habitual patterns of reactivity and creating space for genuine communication, the pause can foster greater understanding, tenderness and trust between partners.

• Temporary Nirvana: The sacred pauses that naturally occur in our daily lives, as well as those we intentionally create, are described as "temporary nirvana" - moments of freedom, wholeness and ease that sustain us amidst the fires of our grasping and fear.

• Gateway to Radical Acceptance: The sacred pause is the entry point to the practice of Radical Acceptance. By discontinuing our usual ways of avoiding or controlling our experience, the pause allows us to arrive fully in the present moment and open to the truth of our lives.

FOUR: Unconditional Friendliness–The Spirit of Radical Acceptance

• Radical Acceptance: The spirit of unconditional friendliness towards our experiences, where we welcome and embrace all that arises, including difficult emotions and thoughts, without judgment or resistance.

• Inquiry: A mindfulness practice where we ask ourselves questions like "What is happening right now?" or "What wants my attention?" to deepen our awareness and connection to our present-moment experience.

• Naming/Noting: The practice of silently labeling or acknowledging our experiences (e.g., "afraid, afraid, tight, tight") to cultivate a wakeful and friendly presence with what is arising.

• Saying "Yes": The practice of actively welcoming and agreeing to our experience, rather than resisting it. This does not mean approving of harmful impulses, but rather opening to the reality of our inner life with compassion.

• Recognizing Suffering: Pausing to truly feel and acknowledge the depth of our pain, rather than denying or avoiding it, which can reconnect us to our heart and facilitate self-compassion.

• Unconditional Friendliness: The Buddha's example of calmly acknowledging the presence of Mara (the personification of our inner demons) and offering him tea, rather than fearfully driving him away. This embodies the spirit of Radical Acceptance.

• Smile Yoga: The practice of gently bringing a slight smile to one's lips as a way to cultivate a mood of unconditional friendliness and ease, even in the face of difficulties.

• Accepting Our Imperfect Life: The freedom that comes from stopping the comparison to idealized standards and fully embracing the "biscuits of today" - the messy, vibrant reality of our actual lived experience.

FIVE: Coming Home to Our Body–The Ground of Radical Acceptance

• Mindfulness of the body leads to happiness and spiritual awakening: The Buddha taught that mindfulness centered on the body is the key to deep spiritual intention, peace, mindfulness, and the culmination of wisdom and awakening.

• Inhabiting the body with awareness frees us from reactivity: When we become aware of the sensations in our body, we can recognize the root of our emotional and mental reactions, and free ourselves from the stories and suffering that arise from reactivity.

• Pain is a messenger, not the enemy: Pain is a natural part of life that serves an important purpose, but our fear and resistance to pain can lead to suffering. Practicing Radical Acceptance of pain allows us to listen to its message and respond with clarity.

• Trauma can cause dissociation from the body: Severe trauma can lead to a disconnection from the body, where the conscious connection between body and mind is severed as a means of self-preservation. Healing requires gradually reconnecting with the body and the sensations within.

• Letting life live through us: By meeting the changing stream of sensations in the body with Radical Acceptance, we can awaken from the trance of separateness and experience our true nature as boundless, interconnected awareness.

• Embodied presence through body scans: Practicing body scans, where we systematically bring attention to the sensations throughout the body, can help cultivate an embodied presence and awareness.

• Radical Acceptance of pain: We can practice Radical Acceptance of physical pain by directly experiencing the changing sensations, rather than resisting or avoiding them, which allows us to listen to the message of the pain and respond with clarity.

SIX: Radical Acceptance of Desire–Awakening to the Source of Longing

Here are the key takeaways from the chapter:

• Desire is a natural life force, not the problem: The Buddha was not referring to desire itself as the problem, but rather the habit of clinging to experiences that must pass away. Desire is a fundamental part of being a living being, and it can also provide the fuel for spiritual awakening.

• The "wanting self" emerges from unmet emotional needs: When our basic needs for love, belonging, and understanding are consistently frustrated, we develop a persistent sense of self that is defined by feelings of fear, shame, and an insatiable craving for attention and validation.

• Strategies to satisfy the "wanting self" can become addictive and all-consuming: In an attempt to soothe our feelings of unworthiness, we may become obsessed with achievements, relationships, substances, or other substitutes that provide temporary relief but do not address our deeper longings.

• Radical Acceptance of desire is the path to freedom: By meeting our experience of wanting with compassionate presence, rather than resistance or indulgence, we can dissolve our identification with the "wanting self" and reconnect with the boundless love that is the source of all longing.

• Pausing and inquiring into the direct experience of desire: When we feel compelled by craving, we can pause, become physically still, and investigate the sensations, emotions, and thoughts that arise, without judging or acting on them. This allows us to see the impermanent nature of desire and access the deeper spiritual longing that lies beneath.

• Discovering our deepest longing: Beneath our surface wants and needs, we each have a core spiritual yearning, whether for love, truth, freedom, or communion. By inquiring into and fully inhabiting this deepest longing, we can awaken to the unconditional love that is our true nature.

SEVEN: Opening Our Heart in the Face of Fear

• Fear is a natural survival mechanism: Fear is a physiological response that helps animals, including humans, respond to threats and danger. It involves physical reactions like increased blood flow, muscle tension, and changes in breathing to prepare the body to fight, flee, or freeze.

• The emotion of fear is shaped by past experiences: While the basic physiological response to fear is universal, the emotion of fear is influenced by our personal history and memories. This is why some people are afraid of things that don't bother others.

• The "trance of fear": This is when fear becomes the core of our identity and constricts our ability to live fully. It involves chronic physical tension, obsessive fearful thoughts, and strategies to avoid feeling afraid.

• Childhood experiences shape the trance of fear: Repeated experiences of fear, often in relation to significant caregivers, can lead to a permanent "suit of armor" where the body and mind become habitually contracted and defensive.

• Seeking refuge in relationships: When we are trapped in the trance of fear, finding safety and belonging in our relationships with others can be the first step in breaking free. Having someone witness and support us can make it easier to face our fears.

• Taking refuge in our own Buddha nature: The ultimate refuge is found by turning inward and recognizing our own innate capacity for awareness, wisdom, and compassion - our "Buddha nature". This allows us to face fear with a sense of safety and trust in the unfolding of our lives.

EIGHT: Awakening Compassion for Ourselves–Becoming the Holder and the Held

• Compassion as the Antidote to Self-Judgment: When we are trapped in self-judgment and criticism, the first step towards freedom is to develop compassion for ourselves. Self-condemnation and self-distrust prevent us from responding to our life with clarity and balance.

• Reaching Out for Compassion: When we feel separate and alone, we can reach out to something larger than our small, frightened self, such as the Beloved, the Divine, or a spiritual figure, to find the compassion that can hold our suffering.

• Mindful Prayer: Mindful prayer involves turning inward to touch the raw feelings of loneliness and fear, while also reaching outward to remember our belonging and connection. This allows us to transform our suffering into compassion.

• The Holder and the Held: As we hold our own suffering with compassion, we experience being both the holder of our sorrows and the vulnerable one who is being held. This dissolves the sense of separation and allows us to awaken to the boundless heart of compassion.

• Suffering as a Gateway to Compassion: When we understand our pain as an intrinsic gateway to compassion, we begin to see it not as a personal flaw or burden, but as an expression of the universal suffering that we all share. This allows us to carry our pain with kindness instead of bitterness.

• Cultivating Compassion through Practice: Regularly practicing self-compassion, through gestures of care, words of kindness, and invoking the presence of the Beloved, can gradually transform our relationship with our suffering and awaken the compassion that is intrinsic to our nature.

NINE: Widening the Circles of Compassion–The Bodhisattva’s Path

• Compassion Meditation: The practice of compassion meditation, also known as tonglen, involves intentionally reflecting on the suffering of others and offering care and relief. This practice deepens one's capacity for compassion by realizing our shared vulnerability and interconnectedness.

• Seeing Others as Real: When we wholeheartedly attend to and see the humanity in others, even those we may initially perceive as "other" or different, we recognize their realness and suffering. This allows us to open our hearts and extend compassion.

• Widening the Circles of Compassion: The bodhisattva's aspiration to "May my life be of benefit to all beings" encourages us to continuously expand our circle of compassion, from those closest to us to all sentient beings, including animals and the natural world.

• Overcoming the Trance of the Unreal "Other": Our tendency to typecast and dismiss others as "other" or unreal can lead to a lack of compassion and even the infliction of harm. Recognizing our shared vulnerability and humanity is key to overcoming this trance.

• Compassion in the Face of Difficulty: Even when our hearts feel hardened or resistant, we can train ourselves to befriend our own suffering and open to the suffering of others. This allows us to respond with genuine care and kindness, even in challenging situations.

• Seeing Through Each Other's Eyes: Actively imagining and empathizing with the experiences of others, even those closest to us, can foster deeper understanding, connection, and compassion.

• The Interconnectedness of All Life: Recognizing our fundamental belonging and interdependence with all living beings, including animals and the natural world, can inspire a sense of responsibility and a desire to be of benefit to all.

TEN: Recognizing Our Basic Goodness–The Gateway to a Forgiving and Loving Heart

• Recognizing Basic Goodness: The Buddhist perspective holds that there is no such thing as a sinful or evil person, and that our essence, our "Buddha nature", is pure and undefiled. Recognizing this basic goodness in ourselves and others is the foundation for spiritual awakening.

• Forgiveness as a Path to Freedom: Forgiveness is a process of letting go of blame and opening to the deeper pain and vulnerability that underlies our resentments. By forgiving ourselves and others, we free our hearts from the armor of self-hatred and hostility, and reconnect with our natural capacity for love and compassion.

• Seeing Goodness in Others: We often fall into the habit of defining others based on their behaviors, and lose sight of their essential nature. By consciously looking beyond our judgments and assumptions, we can see the inherent goodness and humanity in everyone, even those who have hurt us.

• Cultivating Lovingkindness: The practice of lovingkindness (metta) involves intentionally generating feelings of care, compassion, and goodwill towards ourselves, our loved ones, those we feel neutral about, and even those we find difficult. This practice awakens the love and tenderness that are the natural expression of our basic goodness.

• Radical Acceptance and the Flowering of Love: When we stop fighting against life and open to the full truth of our experience, including our fears and flaws, we discover the boundless awareness and love that are our true nature. This radical acceptance allows our hearts to blossom in unconditional love for ourselves and all beings.

ELEVEN: Awakening Together–Practicing Radical Acceptance in Relationship

Here are the key takeaways from the chapter:

• Awakening through Conscious Relationships: Our relationships with others are central to our spiritual awakening and healing. We are wounded in relationship and need to heal in relationship.

• Radical Acceptance in Relationships: Practicing Radical Acceptance, which combines mindfulness and compassion, allows us to be more present and kind in our relationships. It helps us move beyond habitual patterns of reacting out of fear and desire.

• Vulnerability as a Path to Intimacy: Sharing our vulnerability and authentic feelings, even when difficult, can open up deeper connection and understanding in our relationships. It invites others to be more real and present as well.

• The Power of Unconditional Acceptance: When others accept us exactly as we are, without judgment, it can be a profound experience that allows us to relax, open up, and change in positive ways. This "don't change, I love you as you are" attitude is a key component of healing.

• Spiritual Friends Groups: Joining a spiritual friends group, where members practice mindful dialogue and support each other's growth, can be a powerful way to experience Radical Acceptance and deepen our relationships.

• Pain is Not Personal: Recognizing that our suffering and struggles are shared human experiences, not personal defects, allows us to be more compassionate with ourselves and others.

• Mindful Communication Practices: Techniques like pausing, listening deeply, speaking from the heart, and practicing Radical Acceptance can help us communicate more authentically and strengthen our connections.

TWELVE: Realizing Our True Nature

• Realizing our True Nature: Our true and original nature is described in Mahayana Buddhism as "prajnaparamita" - the heart of perfect wisdom, the "Mother of All Buddhas" who shows the world as it is, and the source of light that dispels fear and distress.

• Doubting our Buddha Nature: Even though we may have profound insights into our true nature, we often spend much of our time believing in the illusion of a small, separate self that is falling short and needs to be different. Recognizing and letting go of this persistent illusion is an important part of the path of awakening.

• Seeing Beyond the Self and Letting Go into Awareness: By inquiring "Who is aware?" or "What is aware?", we can cut through the deepest illusions of self that keep us separate and bound. This involves relaxing our grip on thoughts, sensations, and emotions, and directly looking into the formless, open awareness that is our true nature.

• Realizing our Nature as Both Emptiness and Love: Our absolute nature is the open, wakeful emptiness of awareness. When we bring this awareness to the relative world of form, love awakens, and we meet the ever-changing stream of life with accepting presence and an open heart.

• The Pathway Home: Stepping into Unconditional Presence: No matter how thick the clouds of fear, shame, and confusion, we can remember our longing to awaken compassion and wisdom, and take just one step at a time, arriving in the present moment with kind awareness. This is the essence of Radical Acceptance, which frees us from the voices of Mara that tell us we are separate and unworthy.

• Guided Meditation: Who Am I?: The practice of "dzogchen" (the great perfection) involves resting in open, spacious awareness, and inquiring "Who is thinking?" or "Who is aware?" to directly realize our true nature as formless, boundless presence.

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